Still Here

Filed under: — Anastasia @ 2:25 pm

Hi!  How are you?

I’m still around.  Not much has changed in my life.  I’m still fat – but for the first time, I’m actually okay with being fat. (Well, maybe about 90% okay, but I’ll get there).

It’s interesting – once I really gave myself permission to be the size that I am, I started to realize just how much of my brainpower I’ve wasted over the years berating myself for being heavy, for not doing enough to be thin, or dreaming of all the ways life would be better once I got thin.  Finally giving myself a break has been a relief in a lot of ways.  (And, I admit, NOT a relief in other ways that aren’t really blog material.)

So here are my new year’s non-resolutions:

  • Not step on the scale.  It’s just a number, and I don’t need to know it.  I know what size clothes I wear, and I know how I feel, and those are what matter.
  • Not diet.  I will not count calories or attempt to restrict my food intake in any way.  I will try to incorporate more healthy foods into my diet and eat in more often, but with the goal of exactly that: eating healthier, not getting thinner.

Although I am nearly-ok with the fat thing, I’m less okay with having let myself get rather out of shape.  For a variety of stupid reasons I stopped my gym routine back in September.  But I eased back into it over the holidays, and was on the track at 6am this morning, and it felt great.

Once I get over the hump of adjusting my schedule to accommodate the workouts, I really do enjoy the excercise.  Plus it more than pays off in the diving department.  But again: if this does not make me thinner, so what?  It’ll make me healthier.  At this point in my life, I am ready to accept “fat but fit” instead of “a thin person who just needs a little help to come out.”

I will buy clothes that look good on me, not just clothes that make me look thinner.  I will not begrudge myself dessert when I feel like it (or vegetables when I feel like it).  I will be grateful for the body I have and the things I can do, instead of hating myself for not having the “willpower” to change it.

Those of you who are thinking “what the hell – she clearly needs to try harder to lose weight!”… see here, here, here.

And that’s pretty much all I have to say on the subject.  I promise future posts will be more about fun things like diving.

2009 will be good.


  1. Amen, AMEN, AMEN!!!!!
    I am so glad to see someone else see the light. Let everyone who wants to throw stones at you first make sure they are freaking picture perfect in mind, spirit and body, then come talk to me next so I can kick some ass! As a fat girl and a former “self hater” it is hard to say what I hate the most about all the time I have wasted hating myself because I did not fit someone’s definition of what they thought I should be. Forget the controlling overbearing behavior and holier than thou attitude, if you don’t love me for who am and what I look like STEP OFF! Go find someone else to control and you two be happy together. I don’t need or want anyone to approve of me or my size. And if you feel the need to pass judgment; please go find someone who shares your views and leave me alone. Society spends so much effort and money trying to make us be something we are not. Have brown hair, blondes have more fun. Gay, get therapy because only straight people are allowed here. Fat, you gotta be thin to be accepted here. If we as a society put the focus on being healthy, not about how much you weigh, it would be a better society. WHO ARE YOU to say someone is unhealthy because they are fat when the labs are ok, the blood pressure is ok, and they feel ok? I am putting the world on notice, I am 42 years old and I don’t have any time for people’s prejudice. It is great to see someone else join me in the fight. Love you girly! My goals this year are the same as yours, and they have been my goals for the last 6-8 months. It is very hard to undo the conditioning and self hatred that I have been practicing for at least 30 years, but I am trying. And I am doing it for myself finally. I am lucky because I have an awesome man who love me for who I am and what I look like, but still this is for me, not him. I am also lucky because I have awesome friends like you. Someone to commiserate with, bitch with and someone to help me stay strong, someone to walk this journey with me. I don’t know what I would do without you.

    And I will get off my soap box now. Can you tell this hit a nerve?

    Comment by Cookie — 1/6/2009 @ 8:05 pm

  2. I am a viewer from Kathy B’s site. All I can say is Amen. By the way I love your pictures. I always thought what an amazing person. Diving is not a trivial physical activity, so I have always been impressed. The point is to live and to take care of ourselves so we can live. How we look shouldn’t matter.

    Comment by Susan — 1/15/2009 @ 7:50 pm

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