SCENE: 10:30pm, in the dining room.  Daddy is working on his laptop, with Mom’s help to translate his handwriting from notes taken earlier.  I am attempting to step outside onto the screened porch.

Me: Damnit…is this thing locked?

Mom: We never lock that doorknob.

Me: Well, it’s not opening.  [Jiggling handle]  Hmm – no matter how I turn the knob or push the lock-button, the actual part that sticks into the door doesn’t move.

Daddy: You’re just not doing it right.  Twist it.

Me: I AM twisting it.  I’ll just go around.  [Picks up flashlight, goes out the back door and around to the outside screen door… which is locked.  Returns to dining room.]  Good grief.  Are we going to have to take the doorknob off?

Daddy: NO!!  Idiots… you just have to TWIST IT!!  [Struggling to get out of chair]

Me:  I think I know how to use a doorknob.  It’s definitely broken.

Daddy: AAA!  Not BROKEN!  Shee!  [Gets up and into walker, heads towards the pile of cable plugging in the laptop to the wall.]

Mom: No, not that way.  NOT THAT WAY, BOB!  Anna, the scary thing is that sometimes when you let him do things, they work fine!

Me: Nope, this thing’s totally busted.  [Trying to unscrew doorknob from door]

Daddy, getting closer: Jesus Christ!  Stop fiddling with it!  Get away!  [Daddy starts fiddling with doorknob.  He twists: door opens.]

Me: For fuck’s sake!

[END SCENE]

That’s the tricky thing.. it’s hard to tell when Daddy’s being crazy, and when he’s just being Daddy.  For instance, 30 minutes prior to the above, we had this little bit of excitement:

SCENE: I am upstairs checking e-mail.  Mom is downstairs napping.  Daddy started watching a movie in the living room at 9pm, but from the sounds coming from there I suspect he has fallen asleep, until:

Daddy:  Hey!  HEY!  Get down here!  GET DOWN HERE!  Let them in, goddammit!

Me, rushing downstairs: What?  Is something wrong?

Daddy: They’re knocking!  Let them in the front.  They’re knocking around the back!

Me: Maybe it was the TV – I don’t think anyone’s there.

Daddy: NO, GODDAMIT.  Huh.  Huh.  So there’s no one there?  Did Peter call?  What time is it?

Me: No, he never called.  It’s 10pm – do you want to go to bed?

Daddy: Bed!  Jesus Christ, no!  I’ve been sleeping for 12 hours!

Me: No, Daddy, it’s 10 at night.  I think you’ve only been asleep an hour or so.

Daddy: 10 at night?  It’s still last night?  Shee!  Are you sure?

Me: Pretty sure.  I just went upstairs to check email, and you were watching a movie.

Daddy: Hm.  Did Peter call?

Me: No, he didn’t call. 

Daddy: My god, what am I doing sleeping at this time of day?

Me: Well, it’s kind of bedtime really.  It’s 10pm.

Daddy: 10pm?  It’s still Wednesday night?

Me: I’ll be right back.  [Fetches Mom]

[END SCENE]

So… that’s life in the Clower household for now.  Just a little funny, a little sad, and a lot unpredictable.